Just a joke

[bamagiantfan]

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

He replied, "Because that's a microwave."

[Sam56]

Hollywood Squares: If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde : If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver : Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel : Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts : That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie : No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver : My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A George Gobel : I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter , and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q. Paul , why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver : Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie : Ralph , the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A Paul Lynde : Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter , I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A Paul Lynde : Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde : Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver : It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel : Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A Paul Lynde : Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver : His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A Paul Lynde : Point and laugh!

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

[bamagiantfan]

Sam, you just made my day. I'm in tears laughing. 

[LennG]

 forgot how good that show was, at least until Whoopie took over.

[LennG]

Service????

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word "service."

Internal Revenue "Service"

U.S. Postal "Service"

Telephone "Service"

Cable "Service"

Civil "Service"

Customer "Service"

State, City & County Public "Service"

Government "Service"

This is not what I thought "service" meant. But today, I overheard

two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to

"service" a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

[squibber]

I man boards a plane and he sits down next to a beautiful woman who is reading a book.  The man decides to strike up a conversation.  "What are you reading there?" he asks.  The woman says "It's a book on how to find sexual satisfaction.  It's very interesting.  Right here it says that Indian and Polish men make the best lovers.  By the way, my name is Jill.  What's your name?"  "Flying Cloud Kowalski!  Nice to meet you!"

[Jim143]

Good Advice to follow:

If you get an email titled "nude photos of Sarah Palin," don't open it. It could contain a virus.

 
If you get an email titled "nude photos of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it. It could contain nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.

[LennG]

:Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better
> on the computer.>>
 They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of>
 hearing all the bickering...>>
 Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to>
set up ? test that>>
will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does>
the better job.'>>
 So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They>
 moused. They faxed.>>
They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded.>
They did spreadsheets!
>> They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created>
charts and graphs.>>
They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man.>>
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.>>
 Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed> across the sky,>> '
thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..>>
 Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known>
in the underworld.>>
Jesus just sighed..>>
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their>
computers.>>
Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE!>>
 'I lost everything when the power went out!'>>
 Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from >
thepast>
 two hours of work.>
 Satan observed this and became irate.> '
Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come hehas allhis>
 work and I don't haveany?'>>
God just shrugged and said,>>>


JESUS SAVES....

[Jim143]

A New York guy dies and goes to Heaven.

The gatekeeper of Heaven says, "Heaven is getting too full, so you have to pass this quiz to get in.
First question: which two days of the week begin with T?"

The New York guy replies, "That's easy. Today and tomorrow."

The gatekeeper says, "OK, I'll give it to you. Second question: how many seconds are in a year?"

The New York guy says, "Twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd...."

The gatekeeper says, "OK, OK, I'll give it to you. Last question: what is God's first name?"

The New York guy replies, "Howard."

The gatekeeper asks, "How on earth did you get Howard?"

The guy says, "It's right there in the prayer: Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name."

[Sam56]

The Nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.  Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?"

[Sam56]

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.


"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." – Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
 

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of  it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclos ing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' - Jack E. Leonard

'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.' - Robert Redford

'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.' - Thomas Brackett Reed

'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' - Billy Wilder

'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.' - Abraham Lincoln

'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

'A modest little person, with much to be modest about. ' - Winston Churchill

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

[LennG]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting
to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of
paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious,he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."




 

[Jim143]

Eight most feared words (when put in a sentence) in the English language. . .

"We're from the Government - we're here to help"

[nygsem]

John and Helen met while on holidays.  John fell head over heels in ovewith her.
But after a couple of weeks in which John took Helen out to various
dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc. He was convinced it was true love.

And so.....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to
dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," John said to his new
found lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going
to be a problem, you'd better say so now!"

Helen took a deep breath and responded: "Since we're being honest,
here goes .... You need to know that I'm a hooker."

"I see," John replied. "That's a problem, for sure."

He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added,
"You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists
straight when you tee off."

[babywhales]

A Well-Planned Retirement (I suspect this to be true but wasn't sure)

Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40), £5 for busses (about $7).

 

 Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

  

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

  

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

  

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day—for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars!

  

And no one even knows his name.



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